Moving forward

“The future is uncertain, which is scary. But not as scary as not being true to myself.”

I wrote down that sentence as I was trying to gain some perspective on the past few years. I’m at a point in life where neither others nor myself expected me to be right now; I’m 21, yet I do not have a high school diploma. Neither am I at uni, nor do I have a fulltime job and all I want to do is scream my head off, as the outside pressure is building within me. Had you asked me five years ago where I’d be right now, I’d either have said finishing up a bachelors degree in biology or geology, or at the other side of the world — or both.

Because when I was about 16 or 17, I decided my mental well-being was far more important than school. And so I decided to take a break after I had turned 18 to focus on myself, regardless of whether or not I had that piece of paper.

I mean, I can see why some people don’t agree with this approach — it makes it harder for me to function within this society because I do not have that piece of paper. I don’t have a set routine because I don’t have certain obligations. And I’m further removed from my peers, the longer I stay away.

On the other hand — how can I, when I was barely functioning to begin with? When the only reason I went to school was so as not to get in trouble. Not because I wanted to, to further my education, since I couldn’t picture my own future because my mind was in the gutter.

And yet, here I am: stuck in the same place as back then. Not completely mentally stable, unable to go back to school, or hold down a job (other than something I have full control over) and slightly sabotaging myself in getting to the other side of the world because I’m being held back by fear. I think it’s because of all that pressure. People saying that I should follow the ‘normal road’, go back to school so I can get a degree and maybe a job and move out, regardless of whether or not I can handle it. At least I’d have tried then.

But I’m afraid that if I did try to live up to other peoples expectations or opinions of what my life should look like, (and/or if I’m unable to follow it through), I’ll fall into the deepest, darkest pit yet and I don’t know that I’ll be able to make it out of there.

Because I wouldn’t be true to myself. I mean, I get it, I’ve been struggling with that darkness for over ten years and I’m hardly a step further than I was three years ago; when I decided to choose myself instead of giving up my sanity for that degree. I hiked and hiked and hiked and it was wonderful. A few months after I got back, the pandemic hit, effectively crushing all my plans. I felt like I was right back at square one and had to put my life on hold again. At least it didn’t matter this time, because the whole world was on hold.

Still, I felt that pressure building, to go back to school. Because at least now I had the time and nowhere else to turn. But I had fallen right back in the darkness and could barely see a way out. Let alone think about what would become of my education. I cried and cursed at the universe and felt very hopeless. But it also made me wonder: am I really not in control of anything, or is that just something I want to believe because it’s easier?

Shortly before my 21st birthday, I decided that I had had enough; I wasn’t going to leave my fate up to chance any longer. I was going to take charge and make an effort to be able to do as I’ve wanted for the longest time. And it has taken me a while, there were a few roadblocks here and there. But for whatever reason, my belief held stronger than the days where I felt like it was a hopeless cause. I still have days where I feel like I can’t do it. But when the next day comes, I tell myself that it’s just in my head. And that if I don’t let it overshadow everything, I’ll make it to the other end. So that’s what I’m doing, taking it one step at a time.

Meanwhile, I’m also trying to heal that part of myself. That part that’s trying to get me to give up. The part that doesn’t believe I can do it. Perhaps it’s my wounded inner child; hurt by some unfortunate circumstances.

I was that kid who loved gymnastics and would always do splits and cartwheels. Who believed in fairies and magic. I had a wide imagination and always saw the good in people. And over the years I stopped believing; I couldn’t see the magic anymore, started mistrusting people and became so afraid of falling that I stopped with the cartwheels and other gymnastic exercises. I stopped dreaming and seeing my own potential.

All the reasons that have been piling up over the years, convincing me that it isn’t worth it to try, or to dream; all those reasons are due to fear. And I wish to turn it around. I want to believe in magic again, I want to learn to trust people again. But most of all, I want to regain that childlike innocence that I had before the hurt. That made me do all those things because I didn’t care about what others would say, because no one had shut me down yet. That made me unafraid to dream and do the things I loved. And made me believe I could do anything I wanted.

To be fair, I didn’t stop dreaming completely, I just stopped believing in myself. Whenever there was something I wanted and perhaps thought I could do, I would subconsciously sabotage it. Because not going through with it was better than failing.

And the worst part is that in some ways, that is encouraged in our society, to some extent, (as long as it doesn’t interfere with the norm). We aren’t encouraged to take a chance on something, when we aren’t sure of the outcome. Instead, we should make sure we have some security before making any rash decisions that could either turn out really good, or potentially prove a disaster. Now, I’m not saying that’s 100% wrong. It isn’t necessarily wrong to make sure you have a backup if things don’t work out as expected. But not to do something because of the what ifs… no, that isn’t something I can get behind. Because… what if it works out?

I’m not just writing that down because it sounds good, but to try and convince my anxious self that I made the right decision in taking that chance. Not in the sense of doing what other people want or expect me to do. But to take that leap and chase my dreams.

It’s scary, because I don’t want to lose myself again. I don’t wish to fail, but I’m not going to let fear dictate my life any longer. Yes, if I fail, that’ll suck. Majorly. But at least I’ll have tried. I’ll have been true to myself. And that, I’ve decided, is the most important thing.