Light and dark

2020, a rollercoaster of emotions. I don’t quite know how to put it. This year has been very challenging; I was forced to postpone any and all hiking plans, at first due to the pandemic and later due to an unfortunate knee injury. I found it difficult to navigate through each day and it pushed me right back into the darkness. But most heartbreakingly: I lost a friend. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a loved one, especially during these trying times.

Needless to say, like so many others, I can’t wait for 2020 to end.

This year has definitely made me reevaluate my priorities. I realise now more than ever how badly I want to be in control of things, even when that isn’t always a given. I know I need to learn to let go of such things, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. If 2020 has taught me anything it’s that the future is fucking uncertain, so I better not let life to pass me by. I wish to realise my greatest dreams, to make my younger self proud and to find solace in uncertainty. I am choosing to have faith in myself, instead of thinking about everything that could go awry.

I tried the other approach, but it just wasn’t for me. It felt forced, even when I might’ve had some pretty solid ideas. I’m not quite sure where I see myself in ten years because I don’t really care. All I care about is if I enjoy what I am doing then because anything else doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make sense to picture what my life will look like years from now, because I don’t even know what tomorrow will look like. It only makes for disappointment if things don’t work out as I had imagined.

I’m okay being a dreamer, because I don’t need to have it all figured out in order to be happy, I just need to believe in myself.

Of course there are risks to this approach, but then again, there are risks to everything. I am fully aware that I’m not exactly following the way others had imagined for me and that certain people would rather see me back in school and getting a solid job, but what’s the fun in that? I think the most important thing is to be present and to fill your days doing things you love, because this year’s events have made it painfully clear that tomorrow is never promised.

I remember last year when I was told I would have plenty of time to hike and to travel, so why not stay and finish my education first? For some reason I was so anxious to get on that trail that I chose to ignore all that. And look where it got me.

I’m not quite sure I could’ve gotten through this year as well as I have without all the things the Camino has brought me. Don’t get me wrong, it was still a train wreck, but it could’ve been much worse. Because before I would probably have lost all hope of things ever getting better and now I simply knew that it would. Almost as though the veil between despair and realism had been dropped, if that makes any sense. I knew there would be an end to the suffering, which gave me the strength to make it through each day. It made sense to be hopeful because I had already lived through something similar. And yes, there was doubt, but not as much as there could’ve been.

I can’t quite remember the last New Years Eve when I was actually optimistic about the future. Well, apart from last year of course. I sense that I’m getting a little bit emotional, but that’s okay. I am beyond grateful. Puting myself first and hiking the Camino is without a doubt one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

I don’t doubt there’ll be times that I will feel awful, but I also don’t doubt that I’ll be fully aware that it won’t last forever. There’s no need to worry, the sun is just hiding behind the clouds.

Even if I’m not going to look years ahead, I can tell you about my hopes and dreams for the new year. At first I thought I’d simply hike the trails I had planned for this year, but I’m not so sure that traveling between three separate trails – namely the E2, the Kungsleden trail and the part I missed out on in France – will be a good idea. So I’ve been playing with some other ideas for more continuity. I think I’ll attempt to hike the E1 instead, although I’ll skip the part in Italy and add a portion of the GR65 in France. I know it may be quite ambitious because it’s about three times the length of what I hiked in 2019 – so about 6000 kilometres – but I’m confident I can do it. And if not, what of it? At the very least I want to try. I have a lot of time and am very determined. Maybe I’m crazy, but so be it. My twentieth year on earth should be one hell of an adventure!

Some other time, I would like to travel to the US at invitation of two dear friends to come hike the Appalachian trail and to stay with them in Virginia for a bit. I hope that’ll be possible in 2022.

Depending on how I choose to spend my time afterwards, I would like to hike the other triple crown trails in the US (PCT and CDT), the GDT in Canada and the Te Araroa trail in New Zealand. Backpacking in Australia and Asia seems like a lot of fun as well.

I’m thinking of ways to document these journeys more up-close and personal (not just in writing with a couple of pictures), so people can get a better understanding of what it’s like out there. I’m still playing around with some ideas. Hopefully it will inspire others to chase their dreams instead of adhering to the norm for fear of being different.

Of course there’s no telling what the future will look like. No one knows when this pandemic is going to burn out or what will happen next. Only time will tell how everything pans out.

In any case, I wish everyone reading this a very happy new year.

With love,
Super Girl